Assistant Professor Luffy
by Faux Reves
Summary: What? Who? Why? The new Assistant Potion's Professor in Hogwarts is Monkey D. Luffy! Seriously! Dropped Permanently  Probably : Please Read A/N Chapter!
1. Introductions and Sortings

**So I know I should be working on Scattered Piece but I came across this fantastic challenge (fic?) by NekoiKurona called Inspiration Ideas List. The original challenge ( #3) was : (Alternate Universe) Luffy is a new teacher at Grand Line Academy and he has to teach the notoriously bad class of trouble-makers. (Can be like GTO)**

**I obviously played around with it since the story does not take place at Grand Line Academy but Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy, and the student's aren't deliquents (well, at least not all of the.) Nonetheless this challenge was what gave me the inspiration for this fic. So I am crediting it. (And you really should check it out, there are quite a few interesting plot bunnies there.) **

**Also I'm not sure if I will actually make this story into an actual fullblown one or just leave it as it is. Depends on my mood and time I guess, but no promises. **

**Now then, onto the actual fic I guess! **

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><p>Draco Malfoy furrowed his brows in confusion. Professor Snape had come for dinner in the Malfoy Manor only yesterday and not once was the man's <em>assistant<em> mentioned. Yet standing behind the staff table in the Grand Hall and bearing an idiotic grin was a _boy_ Dumbledore had introduced as the new Potion's Assistant Professor. This Monkey D. Luffy (what kind of name was _that_?) hardly looked old enough to be of legal age to apparate, let alone allowed to hold a teaching (assistant) position in Hogwarts. Nevertheless, Draco wasn't all too surprised; it was only obvious to assume that Dumbledore was finally going over the edge with his hiring a child and all that. Oh, how the pale Slytherin hoped that this would finally spell the end of Dumbledore's tyrannical regime. (And _no, _he was not being melodramatic there, thank you very much.)

The Slytherin scanned his gaze over the lengthy table inhabiting Hogwart's staff. Resting his eyes over Snape's furious face, Draco smirked. It seemed that the professor didn't quite agree with Dumbledore's latest idea. Draco's smirk grew into a gleeful smile as he imagined all the cruel and torturous acts of vengeance Snape would subject the unsuspecting boy to. How _delightful_.

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_What in bloody hell is Dumbledore doing? _Severus thought to himself heatedly. This was the first the Potion's professor was hearing of this _assistant_. Where could the boy (no way could this _Monkey _be considered a man) come from? He certainly wasn't there for the quick staff meeting held last night, where they made any last minute arrangements.

For the first time in his life Severus completely disregarded the more perilous threat (in this case a blob of pink) in favour of cursing both his barmy superior and (most probably) hormonal subordinate with words that would surely give him a one way ticket to Azkaban if ever uttered out loud. The last thing he needed was another moronic teenager in his classes, especially if this one was going to be in _all _his classes! _And why is a _staff member _being sorted of all things? _Severus internally exclaimed.

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The Sorting Hat sighed in discomfort as it was roughly pulled over the boys head. Most assumed that it enjoyed these few moments of company, but truthfully they were annoying at most. _True, _once in a decade you'd come across an interesting individual with a mind worth deciphering, like Potter and Riddle's, but most of the time it was just worthless rubbish. The Sorting Hat would much rather be sitting on its nice little shelf alternating its life between sleeping and reading Yeats. But no- it was subjected to the cruel boredom of the magical mind, and it seemed like this time would not be so different, regardless of the unusual circumstances.

Now, normally the Sorting Hat would expect that the mind of an adult to finally be complex enough to challenge its strengths. The Hat hoped that sorting this individual to be no easy feat. Alas, it was to be disappointed. Monkey D. Luffy was by no mean's a challenge. For Inisfree's sake he was thinking about meat of all things! Unfortunately the Sorting Hat would not be allowed to go back to its life of comfort and luxury until this last task was performed, so with a heavy sigh it said, "How interesting, how interesting." (It was hardly interesting.)

"Wooaah, you can talk!" Luffy exclaimed. The boy reached upwards to pull the hat of his head, but was interrupted by it.

"No need to pull me off boy, nor to speak aloud." The Sorting Hat would roll it's eyes now, if it had any, " I can hear your thoughts as you hear mine."

"That's so cool!" Luffy cried, then clamping his hands over his mouth thought quite loudly, "I mean- that's so cool! How do you do that?"

The Sorting Hat blinked it's startled eyes (not that it had any eyes to do so, yohohohoho sku-err, hat joke!). Not many asked that question...probably because they already knew the answer. "It's magic m'boy. The great energies of the world have gifted me with the ability to think and speak. It is thanks to them I am sentient and therefore I am indebted to them to perform the duties of these sortings."

"Aaahh," Luffy contemplated, "You're a mystery hat!"

Ravenclaw was obviously out of question. "Sure, let's just go with that." The Sorting Hat then proceeded to delve further into the boy's mind. It really did want to go home soon.

"Eeehh, what're you doing?" Luffy whined, "That tickles!"

This time the Sorting Hat was truly surprised, "You can feel that?"

"Yeah, it feels like someone tickling my brain with a feather!" Luffy giggled.

This was an odd turn of development for the Sorting Hat, not many were able to detect it's intrusion into the mind. Nonetheless it really didn't want to waste too much time with this sorting. "I'm merely travelling, so to speak, through your thoughts and memories. They are what I use to sort you into a house."

"Well, I don't know why you'd need to sort me into a house but okay. Just try to be less tickle-ish." Luffy said.

"I'll try." The Hat drawled, and ignoring the boy's continuous laughter it forced its way through all the scattered thoughts and emotions. Happiness and anticipation were the most frequent of emotions the Sorting Hat felt in its journey, while fear and sorrow were next to nonexistent. There were many images as well, a straw hat, various types of meat, the ocean, a ship with the queerest of figureheads, an oddly shaped fruit.

Peering closer at the ship the Hat could make out various faces. Finally, something to go on. They were an oddly assembled bunch: a sturdy man with green hair sparring with a suit clad opponent, a girl hugging a chest full of gold, a teddy bear like creature attending to an injured skeleton, a long nosed boy waving his arms in an exaggerated manner as a large man made mostly of metal watched on enthusiastically, and a young woman sitting off to the side with a book in two hands and a cup of tea in a third. Finally, to complete the image was Luffy. The boy himself was lazing about in the crow's nest of the ship watching the scene below him.

The Sorting Hat was ambushed with a rush of emotion. Love, there was so much love Luffy had felt at this time, and the loyalty to be felt was enormous. The Hat immediately understood that the boy would die for these people, these friends. Monkey D. Luffy would put aside the world, his dream, everything for the sake of his friends. Betrayal was nonexistent in the bond he had formed with them. They were his life, and he was willing to sacrifice anything for it.

The Sorting Hat was overwhelmed by the strong emotions. There was no doubt, no fear. Everything was as it was. The Hat just couldn't fathom how this was possible. Never in it's life had it come across one so ..._simple. _A person with no regard whatsoever of external distractions. A person who, once the choice was made, would not falter his decisions. There was no complexity to be found in the mind of Monkey D. Luffy. Everything was straightforward. Yet, the boy could not have been more intriguing. To be so sure, so confident, so assertive, what star could this boy have possibly been born under?

For once in its life the Sorting Hat was as sure as Luffy. The boy was not brave, he lacked the fear. Nor was he cunning, he was too simple. Neither was he smart, everything was a mystery to him. There was only one place that this boy belonged. Only one house which could possibly fit this enigma.

Taking in a deep breath the Sorting Hat released itself from the boy's mind. Now conscious of the surrounding world, it knew that barely a quarter minute had passed. The faces in the crowd did not yet look impatient, nothing was out of the ordinary. Yet, the Sorting Hat was surprised; it had felt as though an eternity had been passed...

"Why're you taking so long Mystery Hat?" Luffy inquired as he dragged his eyes upwards trying to see in that direction without lifting his head.

The Sorting Hat chuckled gravely, "Amazing...for once I actually don't feel like returning."

"What'd you say?"

The Hat ignored Luffy's last question in favour of finally bellowing the name of the House the boy had been sorted into. "Hufflepuff!"

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Hermione Granger was surprised. She was so sure that Assistant Professor Luffy would be sorted into Ravenclaw. Honestly, how else would one expect to gain a teaching position in Hogwarts at such a young age, even if it _was _as an assistant. Yet the man (well more like a boy really) had been put into Hufflepuff. Odd, the House was for "all the rest", it didn't quite add up. Nonetheless Hermione was sure that she'd be able to question the Assistant Professor on some later date, what really irked her was that horrendous beast of a ministry spy! How dare she...

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There was so much food. Luffy stared at it all with widened eyes. He really knew that he shouldn't be wasting his time here. His crew had probably noticed he was missing by now and was worried. It would be most logical of him to spend any possible minute trying to find a way back to the New World...but...there was so much food. Monkey D. Luffy began to drool.

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Albus was quite glad that he had the foresight to put a glamour charm over the new Assistant Professor. When he had fed Luffy in the afternoon the Headmaster had been more then surprised at the boys _eating habits_. Fortunately Albus knew that charming Luffy during dinner so that it looked as though he were eating his food at a normal, sane pace instead of being the epitome of a humanoid vacuum, would be most appreciated in the long run.


	2. Candies and Discoveries

**And I wasn't even planning on ever updating. But getting 8 reviews in pretty much 1 day kind of ups your spirits! So thank you for that so frickin much! Also this chapter is (not including a/n) 3,236 words. The longest chapter I've ever written of fanfiction. So...yeah...WOOT! I'm getting better at keeping a longer attention span! Also, this chapter is kind of a flashback (with a flashback in a flashback) since the first chapter takes place the day after this one...yeah...err...read review and enjoy?**

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><p>The aging headmaster twinkled his eyes quite intentionally as he regarded the young boy seated before him. Such a peculiar boy too...<p>

Albus was simply taking a pleasurable walk in the Forbidden (well not to _him _of course) Forest sometime in midday when he had come across this irregularity. The boy had been found laying unconscious on the brittle ground near a bear's abandoned den. The teenager (young adult?) was barely clothed; his garments had been torn to smithereens. All that was left unharmed was a straw hat clutched tightly in his right hand, and oddly enough, his body itself. The boy did not seem to have been hurt in any way, it was only his clothes that had not been left intact. Peculiar indeed...

And that was why Albus Dumbledore was now in his office with a young boy (now wearing a wizard's robe that was at least 2 sizes too big) grinning up at him.

"Good day." Albus began, as though they were just two old friends meeting over tea.

"Heya." The boy evenly replied.

"Care for a jelly bean?" The headmaster inquired, offering a large bowl full of the delicacies.

"Awesome!" The boy exclaimed. Leaning forward he grabbed the bowl out of the old man's grip and stuffed a handful of the sweets into his mouth. The expression that followed was quite humorous.

Albus chuckled, "I would recommend being more careful in your choosing for these particular candies."

"Whoaaahhhh!" The boy replied enthusiastically, "What the heck was that? The flavour was - was, it was-"

"Every flavour imaginable?" Albus suggested.

"Yes!" The boy laughed, "I could taste lemons, and chocolate, and chicken, and dung beetle, and vomit, and mint, and strawberry, and ear wax, and dry dirt, and wet dirt (the two tasted quite different.) and mango, and water, and vanilla, and sugar, and chilli pepper, and bacon, and grass, and coconut, and rubber (would that be considered cannibalism?) and paint, and zucchini, and cookie dough, and marzipan, and lettuce, and perogie, and salt, and- and- EVERY FLAVOUR IMAGINABLE!"

Albus burst out laughing at the boy's extravagant reaction. He remembered the time he had his first taste of the candies. He had only eaten the lemon one's before (he was quite cautious), but on a bet when he was ten, Albus had agreed to eating a handful of the _every flavour_ variety. Unlike the boy, his reaction had included dirtying the lawn with vomit. Apparently the boy had a much stronger metabolism than the Headmaster.

"What was that?" The boy questioned, eyes wide with awe.

Still chuckling Albus reached into a drawer in his large mahogany desk, and pulled out a colourful little bag titled Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. The old man passed the bag over to the reaching hands of the boy, and smiled wide. Such an amusing boy...

"These are so cool! Where can I get some of my own!" The boy gushed, and in an after thought added, "I wonder if Sanji can make them if I get the recipe."

Albus's grin stretched a little further, "They're sold in at least every Wizarding market in Britain. But for a more local store, why not try _Honeydukes Sweetshop_ in Hogsmeade? It's only a walk away! And I'm sure that if you manage to get the recipe, practice will make it perfect!"

The boy didn't seem to catch that last part, nor the first, "Sweetshop! Really! As in desserts! Do they sell other stuff there too! Like meat?"

"Not in _Honeydukes_, no. They only specialize in sweets. But _The Three Broomsticks_ whips up the best Yorkshire pudding to be found in the country! (Even better than Hogwart's own house elf's...but don't tell them that, they'd commit mass suicide.) Though if it's a tender steak you're looking for _The Hog's Head_ is the place to go. And I know that _Madam Puddifoot's_ is a dainty little cafe, but _Merlin _that lady puts together a delicious _Mystery Meat Casserole_. (There's speculation that the mystery meat includes dragons...hence why Hagrid has boycotted the cafe, and is in the process of forming a protest group against the cruelty of the large, fire-breathing, lizards with wings. Not very unlike Hermione's own SPEW.)

"Amazing! They all sound so good! Gaaahh! I'm so hungry now!" The boy drooled.

"It is nearing lunch time, I suppose we should get to filling our bellies!" Albus rose from his seat and layers of thick midnight blue fabric with a bright gold ladybug print _sashayed _as he moved. The embroidered bugs shook their wings in annoyance; they always seemed to prefer it when the headmaster kept to one place.

"Food! Food!" The boy enthusiastically agreed. "Can we go to that Hog place? I wanna try all those foods you told me 'bout!"

Albus chuckled, he couldn't seem to stop, "No, I'm afraid not. Hogsmeade is not open for business today, seeing as the students aren't here yet." Taking note of the boy's sullen expression the old man amended, "But worry not! I assure you that the school's cook's are more then capable of fixing up a hearty meal! I only hire the best, of course! (Which wasn't much to go by since everyone knew that Albus considered everyone who tried their best to be the best.)

"Oooh. That's cool then! As long as they have meat!" The headmaster's nod assured the boy. "Oh and who'zzat?"

Albus trailed his gaze over the path laid out by the boy's pointed finger, and found himself looking at a very out of breath and pink in the face Minerva Mcgonagall. The man's eyes brightened at the pleasant intrusion. Perhaps she was here to supply with him with his latest owl-ment of _Every Flavour Beans_. The bag he had shown the boy had been his last, unfortunately.

"And to what do I owe this pleasure, Minerva?"

Breathing heavily the Transfiguration professor replied as evenly as possible, "You're letter...said it was urgent...had to come...quickly...what?"

Albus blinked confusedly. _A letter, why is Minerva aski-oh right! _The Headmaster remembered, "Yes! Yes! I did send you an owl! I completely forgot!"

Minerva did her best to keep her temper down, "I see...so what was so urgent that I had to be repeatedly pecked by Fawkes _sharp and painful _beak until I agreed to return with him by falling off my broomstick while I was doing the routine check of the boundaries...and might I add that I was at least _350 ft _high up in the air!"

Albus only smiled in return, it's not like his friend was severely injured or anything, "I wanted you to meet someone."

The headmaster gestured to the boy watching silently from his side, "This here is..."

Albus paused, and then after a moment's consideration turned to the boy. "Now that I think of it, I don't actually know your name."

Minerva would've slapped her forehead in exasperation if it were becoming of a lady of her stature. (Not to mention age.)

The boy laughed in response. "I don't know yours either! Eh well, you can tell me after. Anyways, I'm Luffy! Monkey D. Luffy!"

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Minerva was usually an agreeable woman. True she was quite stern, and could be down right horrifying when needed (She _had_ managed to make Severus quiver in his dragon hide boots back when he was still in school.) but overall she considered herself to be fairly pleasant. Nonetheless, the woman was practically seething at the moment.

Should've expected it by now. Of course Dumbledore goes and makes bloody friends with the possibly dangerous stranger. _Never mind that you don't know his name. Never mind that he's fascinated by the most mundane things. (Mundane magical things, one would add. Not mundane muggle. Never muggle in Hogwarts.) Never mind that he was found in the middle of a forest! Never mind that he doesn't even know what Scotland is! Or Britain and even Europe, for that matter! Never mind that could most probably be a perilous foe sent by You-Know-Who in the guise of an idiotic nut case! Never mind any sense of caution at all! Especially when he likes the same bloody god-forsaken sweets as you do! _

"A knut for you thoughts?" Dumbledore inquired.

Minerva fixated the older man with the coldest glare possible, and instead placed her attention on Luffy. They were all seated around a coffee table adorning various tea time snacks, and the boy was wolfing them down at a hideous pace. Trying her best to remain calm and steadfast, Minerva questioned, "So, who are you boy?"

Swallowing down a large handful of shortbread cookies, he managed to wheeze, "I'm Luffy. I already told you that didn't I?" The boy was getting impatient. Why wouldn't these people just let him eat? He was hungry!

"Yes, I know that." Minerva wouldn't let him go that easily, "But that's just your name. I'm asking who _you _are."

Putting down the little cucumber sandwich (Where was the meat?) Luffy pondered the question (Not too hard, mind you. He didn't want to get a headache.) The boy's eyes lit up in understanding once an answer was reached, "I'm a pirate!"

Dumbledore smiled, "See Minerva. Just like Luffy said, he's a pirate." then he blinked. The man mentally reviewed what he had just said. _Pirate._ That didn't sound quite right. Even to him.

Minerva raised a brow. "A pirate?"

Luffy grinned hysterically as he stuffed the cucumber sandwich into the gaping hole in his face.

"I will not stand for any horseplay boy. I want you to be serious with me."

Luffy pouted, "But I am being serious. I'm a pirate. And soon I'm going to be King of the Pirates!"

The Transfiguration professor had come to a conclusion to this mystery: the boy was delusional. He had probably some escapee of St. Mungo's asylum ward, and had somehow managed to stumble his way into Hogwarts. All that was left to do was to contact the hospital and they would get this issue straightened out in a jiffy. In the meantime, Minerva found no harm in humouring the boy. "So, if you're going to be King that must mean you have your own crew?"

"Yep!"

"How many mates do you have? 100? 200?" Dumbledore seemed to be playing along as well.

"Nuh uh. It's only the 9 of us so far. Me, Zoro, Nami, Brook, Chopper, Robin, Franky, Sanji and Usopp. But I'm going to get another crewmate soon!"

Minerva would've thought that the Luffy would've been imaginative enough to delusion up a stronger crew. Make him an all-powerful god worthy of the crown, and all that. But to each his own, it seemed. "So, does your crew go on a lot of adventures?"

"Hmm" Luffy had to swallow again, "Yeah! We've seen lots of real cool places on the Grand Line! And the New World, but we've only just gotten there!"

"Grand Line? New World? I don't believe I'm familiar with any of those places." Dumbledore chuckled.

"You're not!" Luffy seemed to be honestly bewildered this time, then he broke out in laughter, "The hell, old man! Have you been living under a rock all your life? Who doesn't know what the Grand Line is? Or the New World! That's just crazy! I mean, we're in the New World right now!"

Dumbledore squinted his brows in confusion, "I do think you're quite mistaken, son. We're in Scotland."

Luffy pursed his lips together in confusion.

"Britain." Dumbledore explained.

Luffy pursed his lips together in confusion.

"Europe."

Luffy pursed his lips together in confusion. "Whaa?"

Dumbledore turned to Minerva, confusion painting his face. It seemed the Headmaster hadn't quite yet reached the same conclusion as she had. _I really should stop overestimating him_. Flicking her wand out of a pocket in her robe she muttered a quick _accio_ and summoned a world map from some far off place. (Or just from Professor Binn's history classroom.)

Luffy didn't blink an eye at the small performance of magic. _At least this is also part of his delusion._ Pointing with her wand, to a chunk of the map labelled _Europe_ Minerva stated, "This is the continent we are on now. Europe."

She tapped the map with her wand twice, thus enabling it to zoom into focus on the countries in the continent instead of the whole world. Gliding her wand over the now more detailed map, Minerva stilled it over _Scotland. _"And this is Scotland, it's a country part of Great Britain. It's where we are now. Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft is in Scotland."

Minerva looked up to see if this was making any sense to the boy, but Luffy still had his lips pursed together in that ridiculous fashion. "Can I have a paper an' pen?"

Dumbledore complied to Luffy's odd request and _accio'd_ the supplies for him. Taking hold of the two object, Luffy quickly put two and two together and began to sketch on the parchment with an already inked quill pen. The result was a crude diagram of what seemed to be his _world._

The picture displayed a large circle separated into four parts titled _North, South, East_, and _West Blue_ (Each in their respective places). A thick rectangle labelled _Red Line_ ran vertically along the middle of the 'map'. Then another rectangle, this time thinner than the other, ran horizontally across the middle page, intersecting with the _Red_ _Line_ in the middle. This line was labelled _Grand Line_ on both sides of the vertical _Red Line_, but on one half it said in brackets _New World_.

Minerva looked up for an explanation while Dumbledore continued to study the 'map'.

"This is the world." Luffy pointed to the map. "These are the four blue seas, this is the Red Line. This whole line is the Grand Line but when you cross the Red Line and into the other half of the Grand Line people start calling it the New World 'cuz not a lot of people have been there yet...or something like that. "

Luffy chuckled as he regarded his drawing, "Nami would hit me if she saw this."

"She's my navigator," Luffy explained to Dumbledore who had finally looked up, "she likes drawing maps and hers are way better than this!"

"I can imagine." Dumbledore chuckled gravely.

"So you recognize this, right?" Luffy seemed to plead.

In all honesty Minerva knew that the best course of action would be to continue humouring the boy and pretending that they agreed and understood his delusions. Alas, Dumbledore did not follow the same rules of logic as her. "Not at all. The world I know is the one in the first map you saw."

Luffy calmly looked at both Dumbledore and Minerva, as though judging whether they were serious or not. Breathing deeply the boy stated after his contemplation, "I understand now."

Minerva raised a brow, while Dumbledore looked on encouragingly.

"I'm in a mystery world."

Minerva felt that this would be another wonderful opportunity to slap her forehead in exasperation. (Yet, for the same reasons as before, she did not.) She really did need to get to writing that letter. Things like this were not to be postponed. So, finally having had enough make-belief for one day Minerva excused herself from the room. Hopefully St. Mungo's would reply soon and the boy would be out of her hair. She and Dumbledore already had enough things to worry about (Ministry monsters, soul eating monsters, and snake-man monsters, to name a few). No need to add another ball to the juggle.

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Albus looked at Luffy speculatively. He had no doubt that the boy thought he was telling the truth. For all the Headmaster knew, he really could have been telling the truth. Their really were many mysteries out in the world still waiting to be discovered. So why couldn't this boy be one of them. "Tell me Luffy, you haven't yet mentioned this but, _how _did you get here?"

Luffy grinned sheepishly, "Ehehehehe. Nami made me go find some meat when we docked cuz I already ate everything we had on the ship. Zoro came along with me cuz apparently I would get lost (Since Zoro obviously has _wonderful_ directional sense...unfortunately everyone else still keeps getting lost!) but then we still got lost."

Albus nodded, he wondered how these other characters would play in the story. Both past and future. Luffy continued his explanation, "Then we got split up cuz I saw a really yummy looking tiger and I think he saw a gorilla. Anyways, I followed the tiger into this really big twisty-turny cave where I got lost again (Not to mention the tiger. Poor tiger also got lost. Luckily it would survive on the underground bunnies until it's loyal brethren came to save it carrying fiery torches...how they managed to light fire and carry it as a torch between their jaws remains a mystery to this day.) but luckily I found the exit! 'Cept when I walked out of it the jungle looked a lot different!"

"Jungle?" The headmaster repeated.

"Yeah, it was a tropical one before. But after I left the cave it became more like a cold forest." Luffy nodded affirmatively.

Albus thought it over. One could assume that Luffy was merely delusional and this was just a figment of his imagination. (But that's no fun.) Or they could assume that he was from some sort of parallel universe and had somehow stumbled upon a matter-existence discrepancy. (Or in simpler terms, a rip in space!) Having gone through this discrepancy Luffy had managed to walk his way right into the Wizarding and Muggle world known by Albus. (Now that was more interesting!)

The old headmaster gazed at the peculiar boy with a calculating stare that slowly transformed itself into a jaw breaking grin. "I have a wonderful idea Luffy!"

Oh _Merlin _was Albus going to have fun solving this puzzle! Plus the fact that Severus had lost that poker game some while ago and still owed Albus a prize, really livened things up!


	3. Hospitals and Explanations

**So here's the third chapter! I actually wanted to publish it yesterday but I really wanted to hit at least 3000 words for it. So I kept it and added some more today. Now, it's (disregarding a/n) 3,262 words long. Yay! Well, I hope you all enjoy this! And don't worry, I plan on more detailed Snape - Luffy interaction later too! :D Have fun reading!**

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><p>Harry Potter didn't know what to make of the new Assistant Potion's professor. (He didn't even know that professors could <em>have <em>assistants!) Of course, this was probably the most expected outcome, seeing as the boy-who-lived had yet to make contact with the App. (As dubbed by the many students of Hogwarts, who just could not bring themselves to wasting the minute seconds of their life droning out the long title. This title also brought out quite a bit of confusion from the pureblood wizards, who could not understand why the muggle-borns would break out in laughter whenever someone called the professor the App. Even Hermione Granger found it hard to hold down her amusement...which was altogether quite sad since it wasn't even that good of a joke to begin with.) Fortunately, (or was it unfortunately) Harry saw that according to his timetable, his first class of the year was Potion's with Snape! (And the Slytherins, never forget the Slytherins!) It would seem that he would finally get the chance to discover the mystery that was Professor Luffy!

Grinning slightly to himself, Harry made his way to the Grand Hall for breakfast, with a slight skip to his step. To his side, Harry's best friend Hermione raised a brow amusedly. "What's got you so chirpy, Harry?"

"Blimey, mate! I hope you remember we got _Snape _first!" Harry's other best friend, Ron whined.

"I know." Harry glowered, but he quickly shook the thought from his head, "It's just been a really great day so far! And I'm actually kinda excited to meet the App!"

"You are?" asked Hermione.

"Why wouldn't he be!" Ron chuckled, "Just the thought of getting to watch Snape's nerves fry 'cuz of the App is going to be bloody perfect!"

Hermione frowned reprimandingly, "That's rude Ron! How do you know that the _Assistant Professor _is going to be such a nuisance to Snape? For all we know he could be a perfectly logical and intellectual person who finds teaching Potion's alongside Snape to be enjoyable!"

"Hermione," Harry interjected, "this is _Snape_ we're talking about. Since when does he care if someone's logical an' intellectual?"

Hermione frowned at the realization, "Well...I guess you're right but...that still doesn't give us the right to..."

The rest was drowned out by the din of the Grand Hall. And honestly, Harry didn't care much for Hermione's spouts of random righteousness. He knew that the girl hated Snape as much as he did, so whatever came out of her mouth was without a doubt hypocrisy. Plus the scent of sizzling eggs and honeyed oatmeal wafted under his nose. Harry breathed in deeply, he really did love breakfasts in Hogwarts. They were so much better than the rationed portions he'd get back with the Dursley's.

"Huh. The App isn't here." commented Ron who was looking up at the lengthy staff table.

"Uhg." Hermione scowled, "She's still here."

Harry looked up from his oatmeal. Both the App and Snape were missing from breakfast, and Umbridge was stuffing miniscule pieces of bacon down her throat. Now if she could only choke on it...

A rough shake of his shoulders pulled Harry out of his reverie. It was Ron telling him to hurry up, since breakfast was nearing it's end. Nodding, Harry gulped down the last of his oatmeal and quickly shot up from his seat. With a smile to his face he left the Grand Hall; it really was a great day so far. Malfoy didn't come picking for a fight, Umbridge ignored him throughout breakfast, and Snape wasn't even there to glare at him as he accidentally spilled Dean's pumpkin juice all over the Gryffindor table! A good day indeed! Now only if it would last throughout the rest of the hours...

**OP&HP OP&HP OP&HP OP&HP OP&HP OP&HP OP&HP**

His left eye twitched maniacally has he tried to explain the basic concept of school to the new assistant. Severus was, without a doubt, having the worst day of his life. This Luffy was apparently a pirate who was going to be king one day. He also had never gone to school, was barely literate, and knew next to nothing (more close to the nothing than the next) about potions! Severus Snape was a thumb's width away from strangling the boy with his bare hands!

Currently, Luffy was seated on a chair in the corner of the room, "I'm hungry!" the boy whined, "Why won't you let me eat! I can't do anything if I don't have my meat! Hungry! Hungry! Hungry! Hungry! Hungry!"

Now both left _and_ right eye were twitching, "Shut up!"

Snape was now an ant's width away from murder.

**OP&HP OP&HP OP&HP OP&HP OP&HP OP&HP OP&HP**

Harry strolled into the dreary dungeon with a slightly more apprehensive mood than he had during breakfast. Now that he was actually this close to meeting the new App, Harry wasn't sure what he expected. (He didn't even know why he wanted to meet the App so badly in the first place!) Taking a seat beside Ron, and Hermione paired with Neville in front of him, Harry scanned the room for the App. He found the boy sitting on a stool in the corner of the room with a sulking expression.

"Quiet." growled Snape as he glided towards the front of the room, midnight shaded robes billowing after him. The man regarded the class full of teenagers with a stark gaze and sneered quite rudely in response. Trailing his eyes to the right-most corner of the room, the Potion's professor eye's flashed in annoyance.

"You all know my _assistant,_" he spat the word out as though it were an unforgivable curse, "he will be here to..._assist_ me with my apparent troubles."

Harry stared at Snape with widening eyes; he had never seen the professor look so angry. (And quite the anger it was. Later many students would claim that a nerve in the left temple of Snape's head was bulging and throbbing in feverous motion, as though all the blood were getting to his head, making chances of internal combustion so much more plausible. The Slytherins sneered at this assumption while the rest of Hogwart's cheered in encouragement.)

"Luffy." snapped Snape.

The boy looked up from his gloom with a tearful expression. Snape grinned evilly, "Do come up and explain today's lesson. I should like to see how...adequate you are."

Nodding Luffy stood up and dragged himself to Snape. Turning to face the class Luffy woefully said, "Today's lesson is on the importance of breakfast."

Snape ground his teeth together, "No you idiotic bore, we are discussing Golpalott's Third Law." (Snape had assumed that Luffy would remember at least that much from their earlier conversation.)

Luffy corrected himself, "Today's lesson is on Golpalott's Third Law and how he agreed that breakfast is one of the five important meals of the day!"

"Antidotes." Snape spat.

"I'm hungry!" Luffy wailed in reply.

"You are to be my assistant, and since it's _bloody impossible_ to make you sit still without killing you I will have you be of at least some use!" the Potion's professor bellowed, "Now quit screaming about food and teach!"

"I'm hungry!" Luffy wailed once again, this time swaying at his feet.

"I. Said. Teach." Snape ground out of his mouth.

"You're so mean!" Luffy cried, "Meanie! Meanie! Meanie weeny! Just because you're a vampire that doesn't need to eat six times a day doesn't mean you're allowed to make the rest of us starve too!"

Snape's usually white face paled even further and in contrast his already dark eyes darkened, "I'M NOT A BLOODY VAMPIRE!"

"Yes you are!" Luffy shot back with a pointed finger, "You're as pale as one, you're eyes are as dark as one, and you're as evil as one! You're a vampire man! You're a-a...vampman! Vampman! Vampman! Vampman! Meanie, meanie, meanie weeny VAMPMAN!"

Any glimmer of common sense was lost to the Potion's professor as he tore his wand out and let out a strangled cry, "AVEDA KA-"

"-NOOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed Hermione Granger who had by some impossible feat of adrenaline rush, managed to jump out of her seat four rows back and land on Snape, "I know he's annoying Professor! But you can't murder your assistant!"

Alas, it seemed that Snape was not to hear Hermione's warning as the impact of the sudden fall caused him to smash his head against the cold stone floor, effectively knocking him out. (So to speak.) Meanwhile, Luffy too had fallen to the floor and was huddled together in the fetal position. (If one strained their ears enough they would make out a faint noise coming from the boy, as though he were chanting _food_ over and over again.)

In the back of the room Ron turned to Harry with two raised thumbs and the grin of a maniac. Harry in reply stated exactly what the red head was thinking, "Best. Class. Ever!"

**OP&HP OP&HP OP&HP OP&HP OP&HP OP&HP OP&HP**

Poppy regarded the ungodly sight in disgust: Practically all the 5th year Slytherin's from Snape's potion's class at the time had come rushing up to her hospital wing. They all screamed at once and she could make neither heads nor tails of the fuss. It wasn't until that Parkinson told them to shut up, that she finally understood what happened. After informing Dumbledore of the incident she had the house elfs apparate Snape and that new assistant of his into her hospital wing.

A simple Wideye potion was enough for Snape's concussion, and the man was now resting peacefully in one of her beds. Luffy, as she had come to know the assistant, on the other hand was a different matter. Apparently he had not eaten a morsel for the past twelve hours, which resulted in severe exhaustion. (What kind of person is he? Fainting and nausea? Over that?) The solution? At least a hundred kilograms worth of food provided by the kitchen elfs, that was eaten in a matter of three minutes. Poppy felt a bit of bile rise to her mouth. Never, never again did she want to witness _that. _

And honestly, Poppy wondered, _how could such a skinny boy eat so much. And the way he just expanded...like a balloon! There-there must be an explanation! _

"Well." Poppy said sternly, "What have you got to say for yourself boy?"

Luffy looked up from the bed, and burped loudly, "Aaaah. That was good! Thanks lady!"

Poppy grimaced, "That's not what I meant. I want to know how it's possible for you to become this big in such little time!"

Luffy looked down at himself in confusion, "It's 'cuz I ate isn't it."

"No. It is not." Poppy disagreed, "Normal folk don't blow up like that after a meal...and normal folk can't eat that much without getting sick."

"Hmm...I guess it's 'cuz I'm a gum-gum man then!" Luffy laughed while patting his stomach heartily.

Poppy raised a brow, "Gum-gum man?"

"Ahahaha," Luffy chortled, "guess you don't know what that it! It mean's I'm made of rubber!"

Poppy frowned, "You're made of...rubber...and ...what?"

Luffy laughed some more, "Watch this!"

He then proceeded to pinch the side of his left cheek and pull.

Poppy's eyes widened even further as the boy's cheek stretched to an impossible length. _Wait, _Poppy reprimanded herself, _it's not impossible. I'm sure that a potion or spell of some sort that allows the bearer to stretch like that isn't unheard of!_

Smiling in relief Poppy quickly put on a stern expression, "We all know that you aren't some rubber man, boy! You're probably just jinxed! Now wait here while I find an antidote!"

"What?" Luffy cried in horror, "I don't want a cure! I like being a rubber man! And I wasn't cursed-well no, I guess I was but...no! Hey! Don't walk away from me lady! What are you picking up? Ehh, don't come any closer! What are you doing? Hey! I'm not drinking that potion! Get it away from me! No! Leave me alone! Gaaahh! Aaaah!"

"Poppy! What on Earth are you doing?"

The matron looked up from her attempts to force-feed Luffy a potion, "This boy refuses to take the antidote to cure his stretching jinx!"

"A stretching jinx?" Dumbledore inquired. He had received word that his staff members were ill in bed and had arrived as swiftly as he could. Though, from what Dumbledore could gather, that no longer seemed to be the case.

"I wasn't cursed! Or jinxed...or however you call it!" Luffy denied, "I'm a rubber man and I don't want you to change that!"

Dumbledore twinkled his eyes, "Care to show me a demonstration, lad?"

"What? Ehh, why not."

Noticing a vase of flowers situated on top of a shelf near the opposite end of the room, Luffy stretched his arm forward, forward, _forward_ until he had the vase in his grip. Then with a quick snap he brought the item back to the bed along with the rest of his arm. The boy saw the astonished expression Poppy wore and grinned up at the woman.

"This doesn't seem to be a stretching jinx, Poppy." Dumbledore inferred, "He's much too in control of this ability. Tell me boy, how did you come about this power?"

"I ate the gum-gum fruit!" explained Luffy, "It's a devil fruit that gave me a rubber body. It's really great! Except the fruit tasted really yucky and I can't swim anymore but...I never could anyways so I don't really care bout that!"

"A rubber body you say?" Dumbledore mused, "So not just the ability to stretch...should I assume that like rubber itself you are also an insulator?"

"Insu-what?" Luffy had no idea what the word meant. It sounded like something Nami would use.

"Insulator. A material that doesn't conduct electricity." Seeing that Luffy still didn't quite get it Dumbledore elaborated further, "Meaning, you aren't affected by lightning. It doesn't hurt you."

"Oh that!" realized Luffy, "Yeah! This one time I had to fight a really strong lightning man but his devil fruit power didn't hurt me. I guess that's what you're talking about!"

"So it is! And I do wish to know more about this _devil fruit_. What can you tell me about that?"

"Sir!" Poppy cried, "Surely you aren't taking this boy seriously! I mean...it has to be a spell of some sort!"

"Now, now Poppy!" Dumbledore chuckled humorously, "Try to keep an open mind. Anything is possible! So, the devil fruits, boy?"

"Oh right. Well...I don't really know much except that they're really gross tasting and look kinda weird. Like mine was a yellow ball with a ton of weird curly spirals on it. And when you eat the fruit you become a hammer, which means you can't swim anymore. But in return you get a really awesome power!"

"What kind of powers? Where is this fruit grown? Do the fruits vary? Is it possible two eat more then one fruit? Are all the powers unique, or can they be shared between different individuals? And-"

"Hey! Hey!" The rubber man interrupted, "You're asking too many questions! I'm gonna fry my brain if you make me think too much! Just...just let me tell you what I know!"

"Fair enough." The headmaster agreed.

"Okay...so I'm pretty sure that you can't eat more then one fruit cuz if you do you die...though Blackbeard had two powers somehow so I'm not entirely certain 'bout that...ehh well, err-there's only one of each fruit in the world. Meaning until I die there won't be another gum-gum fruit 'cuz I'm the only one who ate it. And I don't really know where the fruits come from. I haven't met anyone who does, either. I guess they come from a mystery place, so that's not really important!"

Dumbledore smiled; it really did seem that Luffy knew nothing else of the fruit. But he couldn't possibly spite the boy for that, the headmaster still managed to learn quite a bit. And he really did hope that one day he'd be in possession of one of the fruits. All the possibilities... "Tell me about the different powers."

Luffy grinned, "It's really cool! Umm..we have three-or four I guess, categories for the powers. Paramecia, Logia and Zoon...but Mythical Zoan is also one I guess. Basically I'm a paramecia...our powers are pretty all over the place, Logia's have the power over nature...like I once fought a man who had suna suna no mi; he had the power of sand. And another guy, Smoker, had the power of smoke...which is kinda funny 'cuz that's his name."

"Yes," Dumbledore chuckled, "It is ironic."

Luffy continued, "Zoan is for devil fruits that turn you into animals. Like...this one guy I fought could turn into a really big cat...like a leopard or something! And Mythical Zoan is when you can turn into a make-belief animal. Like a unicorn or a phoenix!"

"Ahahaha, interesting, it seems that where you come from magic like ours doesn't seem to exist."

"Really?" Luffy laughed along with the old man.

"Yes indeed. I'll let you in on a little secret boy, I have a pet phoenix!"

"That's so coooooool!" The boy exclaimed, "So it's not a fantasy here then?"

"Nope." Dumbledore laughed heartily, "I'll let you meet him soon. And the other magical creatures as well. I'm sure Hagrid would be pleased!"

"I'd really like that old man." Luffy nodded gratefully.

Poppy on the other hand was far from grateful. She really did want to trust her employer, but it was getting quite hard to do so when he was becoming so obviously senile. _Honestly, how could anyone believe this boy's fantasies? _Poppy thought bewildered, _I really should help him, even if Dumbledore doesn't agree. He's obviously not right in the head. And that jinx needs to be taken care of...perhaps Minerva will be more sensible. I should get her opinion on this._


	4. Author's Note IMPORTANT

Dear Readers,

I'm sorry to say that I won't be updating _Assistant Professor Luffy. _Honestly, I didn't have any plot in mind when I wrote it. I just felt like putting Luffy into Hogwarts. Unfortunately, I've hit a complete writer's block on it and realize that I can't quite go anywhere with what I have. So for now, I'm going to do what I've been doing this whole time and work on completing _Scattered Piece. _But that doesn't mean I've dropped the whole concept, once I finish _SP_ (or come up with a new amazing plot bunny that just can't wait) I will start over _Assistant Professor Luffy. _I still want to write a story where Luffy goes to Hogwarts; I just want to make it a serious (but still humorous, I mean it's LUFFY) fic and not crackish (like it kinda is right now). I want to make everyone IN character for it (if you read _APL _you'll know that Snape's HIGHLY out of character :P). But to do that, I'll have to put all my effort into that one story. Which I can't if I'm working on _SP. _So I'm sorry to all of you readers. But I really do want to finish my first long fic before I start a new one. (Again if I end up with a plot bunny that can't wait, I'll start the OPxHP fic a lot sooner than planned, but don't count on it!) I hope you all don't give up on me as an author. I just feel that I ought to make _SP _my first priority as I started it first. Perhaps some of you could go read that instead? (Yes, I am shamelessly advertising there. Sue me...actually don't. I only have a toonie.)


End file.
